say wut?!

Nothing really has been going on, I just feel like its been a while since I posted. Things are going steady. I think I had a big freak out around that big full moon or something. The cats were being terrible... I was stressing out big time... It was just a crazy time!

So things have settled a bit. I love being home. I want to be home all the time. But only b/c I hate this job with a singeing passion. It gets worse everyday. Maybe its my increasing paranoia, but I just feel like they are out to get me. Come after me in the night! (jk, Beauty and the Beast reference) - But that they have this view that I'm not excellent, so therefore look for faults in as much as they can. And I'm definitely not making up the fact that that happens here. That is what happened to the girl that got laid off earlier this year. And I'm sure we have all done it at least once... you don't like someone so you turn every action they do into a fault. That is what I feel like the entire office is currently doing to me.

But man I'm searching for a job fiercely. There is nothing.

Today is a Chilis day. A day that makes me want Chilis. Want the friendship and the camaraderie of it. Just not the hours...

Anyone out there hiring???

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say it like you mean it...

I try way too hard to please people:

"Do you mind if I do this?"

"Would it be too much trouble?"

"Oh dont worry about it, it's not a big deal"

And then I go and get walked all over. But most of the time, I dont know how to word things differently without feeling like I'm being a total bitch or being selfish.

Case in point today - I wanted to take off this coming Friday to spend a day with my mom (hi mom!) which I'm pretty excited about. She wants to paint. Do you know how long its been since I've painted - and I've been wanting to. SO I emailed my boss and told him point blank - I would like to take the day off to spend with my mom - she rarely has days off and my work load is light this week and next week I'm going to be a little busy so this would be a good time - would it be a big deal?

BAM - right there: "Would it be a big deal?"

Would it be a big deal if I just bent over and you shoved 4 months with only one day off up my ass? B/c I mean, I dont want to be a bother...

When, when I look back at it, if I really wanted to stand up for myself I would have said "Boss, I would like to take off Friday to spend some time with my family. I have 110 hours of leave and I haven't taken a day off except for 1 since my vacation in May. My work load is light so I don't think it will be a big deal. Let me know if this is ok so I can put it on the calendar. "

But then I think - that sounds like I'm being a total BITCH! Although I'm probably really just being more assertive.

Am I really that passive or is there some kind of middle ground?

Note: ask therapist. lol

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random

This is what happens when you have boring random mood days.

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growing the family!

No not pregnant... sorry! lol

Derek's yougest brother (who is my age by the way) proposed to his girlfriend yesterday! I'm very excited for them! I really like his girlfriend fiance' - She is very cool and I dont know there is something about us married into the family pailles - we share a "stay out of the crazy but love them a ton" motto. haha. Its fun.

Its so funny, almost hilarious, when you think about our family dynamics. Derek's brother and I were in the same grade and went to the same school since kindergarten. But he was in the popular "click" and I was in the "I hate the popular kids click" - sad but true. I was still sociable to them of course b/c I was one of the nice girls and all... of course... but we never socialized or spoke or anything. 12 years of school for me to become his sister in law.

Its just funny to think about that sometimes. That now we hug at family functions etc - just funny how things work out.

Also funny (see I'm thinking a lot this morning - sitting in the eye doctor for 2 hours will do that for you) -Derek's brother still hangs out with ALL of his high school friends. Not saying that's bad or good but man there are maybe 3 people from high school that I'm still close to? Some I love dearly but just dont talk with on a regular basis - But I've just grown such great relationships with college friends since then - its just funny

Wow was there a point to this except to say "that's funny" about 14 times? Apparently not. I'll blame it on the still dilated eyes... did you know they dont make dilation reversal drops anymore? I was pissed.

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how does that make you feel?

You know your family is complicated when you have to take art paper and a marker and draw out your family tree so your therapist will understand who all these people are...

Therapy is going really well! I've only been to two sessions though - so its still telling my story, etc. Man dont you wish they could just go into your head and look around and then come out with some advice? haha.

And among MANY other things, I'm working on my anxiety. And one of the BIGGEST things that people with anxiety have problems with is living in the here and now. We tend to look to the future... well what if I dont get into grad school? What if we can't get pregnant? and then just day to day - ok so when I get home today I have to work out, cook, clean, bathe, feed the cats... and you are already anxious about the menial tasks of the day.

So my goal lately has been to just live in the moment. Breathe in the smells of the moment... look around me... be in the present moment... you can't wonder what ifs your whole life b/c you can't see the future. So there is no point to worrying about it. right?

Its easier said than done that's for sure... but baby steps people, baby steps.

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interesting

So I saw the counselor. I cried most of the hour of course b/c I'm super emotional and that's just who I am. haha. Take it or leave it.

But I really liked her. I think we are going to see each other again.

Its funny how God puts things in your path just right. She was not my first choice, or my fourth. Dont tell her that though... But she has dealt with fertility issues as well. She actually has an adopted son and was NEVER able to have children. So she knows what we are going through.

So I think - God put her here to help me through this... and then my analytical self starts really thinking and I say well crap, what if he put her here b/c we are never going to have children and he wants me to know someone who can help me come to terms with that???

See how crazy I am? I take a gift from God and panick about it. lol.

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see

I post that and then I get an appt with one tomorrow... lol lets hope it goes well!

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